OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
Randomize
