I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
And Anthony pissed on himself at the strip club
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
Before he comes over remember the house standards. Ask yourself "will he stalk my sister or myself in the future?". If the answer is yes, then no, he isn't allowed.
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
Randomize
