I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
This house was built for laser tag.
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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