I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
Randomize
