she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
Randomize
