I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
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