Cold hands, warm shart.
Hello, balls-out mistake. It's been a while.
just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
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