Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
Such a big mess for such a small penis
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
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