I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Randomize
