I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
Randomize
