i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
Randomize
