What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
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