3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
last night i got mauled by 2 gay men who were trying to make each other jealous by making the other think they could swing back- you're going to love atl
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
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