i'm home, then i'll come over
ightttt gangstaaaaaaaaaaaa
nvm.
Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
