Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
Randomize
