pedialite and red bull = repair kit
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
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