No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
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