Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
its a sex-hate relationship...no love involved
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
Randomize
