I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
The guy in 209 is masturbating with the door cracked again
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
Randomize
