I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
Randomize
