I am not sure how to feel about the fact that I was turned on by someone with a penis. I can't believe Lady Gaga would do this to me. :(
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
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