the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
Randomize
