mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
