I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
I murdered the dance floor call the cops
cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
You know it's time to leave Spain when you are back and forth between Skype and a Spanish dictionary trying to figure out out to say "I can still smell you on my skin."
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
Randomize
