Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
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