Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
what do kids with lesbian moms do for father's day? like do you talk about it? is it awkward? do you get the butchy mom a card?
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
