You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
