My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
After it was shut down sean literally made out with four separate girls between the 100 feet to our house. It was a rampage.
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
Randomize
