is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
Randomize
