After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
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