I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
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