I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
Randomize
