I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
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