why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
