Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
