Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
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