I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
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