shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
it's not cheating when I paid for it
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
Randomize
