don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
Not even close. I woke up in the bed of Codys truck. Wrapped up in a sleeping bed, using a stuffed alligator as a pillow. And Alex was laying naked beside me. Not to mention I wasn't wearing the clothes I got there in.
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
Randomize
