i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
Do you ever creep on the girls you have banged and wondered how their walk of shame went?
after we finished we were both getting water at the kitchen sink...butt naked
so?
then my sister's foreign roommate walked out...in footy pajamas
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
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