My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
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