I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
Randomize
