So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
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