He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
Nope, didn't see her. We left when you told us you were going to make the " big beef burrito supreme" even more supreme and you took your dick out.
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
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