woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Randomize
