After last night, I could never be a politician.
I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
just because the DWI class is located at the University does not make him a professor. I was duped, he is in no way, shape or form a professor!
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
Randomize
