he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
True but, who really needs money in europe? Just barter with sexual favors. A bowl of cereal is worth a blowjob.
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Randomize
