How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
she's p upset bro
Where is he. I have a sword.
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Randomize
