Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
thanks for letting me have sex in your bed, too bad you didn't get to yet
who are you?
Randomize
