but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
I DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE SCIENTIFIC REASONING BEHIND WHY I STARTED A HAREM ESPECIALLY NOT FROM A GUY IN THE HAREM!
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
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