I murdered the dance floor call the cops
I'm glad girls dont get visible erections
But, it would have made life so much easier...
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
Randomize
