I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
i would punch a child for taco bell
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
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