you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
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